DoxA

Father's Daze

It's tough being a dad. Have you noticed? The world at large certainly has. Look at just about any commercial on television showcasing a father and he is seen as some helpless, clueless and purposeless individual needing to be tolerated rather than honored or thanked.

Recently the media has help promote what is known as the 3-Ds among fatherhood; Dumb, Dangerous or Disaffected. Examples run from television add such as one from a wireless phone company showing a father helping his young daughter with her homework until Mom comes in, sees the exasperated look on the girl's face and tells her husband, "Tom, leave her alone." But I believe Sony went over the line with their, "Dad is a horse's A--" commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCVp0Jsm7qk

Is it no wonder children and wives look to their fathers and husbands with contempt? Our culture is promoting them as something less than necessary if not obsolete. I don't say this simply because I am a father, there are times I know I've been the back end of a horse and no one needs to remind me. However there are times I realize I am as close of a physical representation of our Heavenly Father to my children as there should be.

The Bible describes our Heavenly Father as just, fair, compassionate, firm, loving, strong, merciful, long-suffering, creative, ever-present and generous... and that's just the short list.

I try. I do. I want to be all of these things for my children. I don't always succeed but I try. And because i do, I take offense to this notion that men aren't capable of being smart, capable, resourceful, willing and worthy. NOW, that's how I feel. What about the feelings of my wife and children?

In a culture that is increasingly hostile toward fatherhood what must we who are husbands and fathers do to debunk this perception? How must we engage our homes in such a way the executives on Madison Avenue take notice?

Since Mother's Day we have been looking at how healthy marriages produces better kids; that it takes two to complete the image of God in your home. We've been saying, "When mom and dad are good... the kids are great!" We've looked at the commitment of marriage to be more meaningful when sealed with the covenant of the wedding vows. We have seen that reliance on God during difficulty is better than trust in your spouse for God is faithful while your spouse is human. We've acknowledged that things that are simply physical, emotional, recreational, possessional and even spiritual are not enough to satisfy you unless your God shaped hole has been filled. And now after Father's Day it's easy to see there are still marriages on the rocks, kids who are needy, homes facing financial difficulty and all kinds of attractions for our affections. Simply talking about these things is not enough to make these problems go away. So, to ask you to talk about these things one more time may be a bit redundant...

Here's the big question... "What are you going to do about it!"

Some of you husbands and fathers are walking around a labyrinth of obligations and emotions thinking when you signed up for being a husband and father it was much clearer where you were headed and how you were going to get there. Don't give up. You're not alone and it can be more enjoyable when you decide to enjoy the journey more than the destination.

Remember the days of long ago;

think about the generations past.

Ask your father, and he will inform you.

Inquire of your elders, and they will tell you.

Tyndale House Publishers: Holy Bible : New Living Translation. 2nd ed. Wheaton, Ill. : Tyndale House Publishers, 2004, S. Dt 32:7

It's time for men to band together and help one another toward the end. And what is the end?

That's what I would like you to discuss.

• Where are you going as a family?
• What would you like to accomplish in life?
• What is worth sacrificing for and what would that look like?
• How would serving your family change it? What does it mean to serve your family?
• What small thing can you do this week to influence your family to know God better?
• Do you feel worthy of influencing your family spiritually? Why or why not?
• What areas of your life are consistent in private as they are in public?
• When was the last time you asked your spouse or kids for a parent report card grade?
• Would they be honest with you? Grade on a curve?
• Could they give you suggestions for improvement?
• Is your family secure because you're around or is your family insecure because you're around?
• If you weren't part of your marriage or family tomorrow, would your family remain secure?
• Do you have a the ability to listen and change if necessary? Why or why not?

It's tough being a dad! Unfortunately dads, no one else can do it for you. But you can get help... tonight just look across the table at dinner and ask them for it.

Oh, one last question... Do you have dinner as a family?

The Anchor Holds

Sorry Gang this will be brief. First, on a personal note. Stay tuned as I will be posting some personal stuff as the week progresses to inform you of our move and various family activities (and I'll post pictures too!).

I had a chance to listen to Dan Parkins message last night and was moved by my little brother again by his faithfulness to God in light of the "crucible" he has had to endure. As I listened to Dan many times my mind would reflect on the premarital counseling sessions I had the privilege of sharing with Dan and Kelly.

With each couple I counsel there is a session devoted to having a Christ-centered marriage. In it we talk about the rough times that are sure to occur and how to manage those storms. One of the illustrations I give is to draw two sailboats on a piece of paper representing the "sea" of life. Each boat representing each other. I describe the sea as usually calm and during these times it takes little effort to stay close. But when the storms of life start to blow; it doesn't matter how hard you try to hold on to each other you're sure to drift apart.

The key to coming back together is to be anchored to the same thing.

Some couples who have come for marital counseling have been challenged to identify their anchor. Some will say it's their children or house or even their bank accounts. But with each of those quoted there is a problem because those things don't last. Kids grow up and move on, houses become prisons to those in strife and bank accounts dwindle especially with attorney's fees.

I generally, at that time, draw an anchor in the shape of a large J and follow it up with esus! He is the only anchor that holds. You see, when the trials come and you blow apart if the anchor is steady when things calm down the things anchored together will naturally drift together again.

Dan and Kelly have endured much in this last year. they have been blown about on the turbulent sea of life and yet they are together... but by Dan's own admission he didn't rely on Kelly to get him through the transplant for his forth liver nor during all the difficulties resulting in the biological rejection and cure, pain and healing. His reliance was in and on Christ.

How many times have said... "Enough!"?

What were your alternatives? What are you currently facing in your marriage or home that is blowing you around on the sea of life?

Remember Jonah? He was running away from God (I don't recommend it).

⁴ But the Lord hurled a powerful wind over the sea, causing a violent storm that threatened to break the ship apart. ⁵ Fearing for their lives, the desperate sailors shouted to their gods for help and threw the cargo overboard to lighten the ship.

But all this time Jonah was sound asleep down in the hold. ⁶ So the captain went down after him. “How can you sleep at a time like this?” he shouted. “Get up and pray to your god! Maybe he will pay attention to us and spare our lives.”

⁷ Then the crew cast lots to see which of them had offended the gods and caused the terrible storm. When they did this, the lots identified Jonah as the culprit. ⁸ “Why has this awful storm come down on us?” they demanded. “Who are you? What is your line of work? What country are you from? What is your nationality?”

⁹ Jonah answered, “I am a Hebrew, and I worship the Lord, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the land.”

¹⁰ The sailors were terrified when they heard this, for he had already told them he was running away from the Lord. “Oh, why did you do it?” they groaned. ¹¹ And since the storm was getting worse all the time, they asked him, “What should we do to you to stop this storm?”

¹² “Throw me into the sea,” Jonah said, “and it will become calm again. I know that this terrible storm is all my fault.”

¹³ Instead, the sailors rowed even harder to get the ship to the land. But the stormy sea was too violent for them, and they couldn’t make it. ¹⁴ Then they cried out to the Lord, Jonah’s God. “O Lord,” they pleaded, “don’t make us die for this man’s sin. And don’t hold us responsible for his death. O Lord, you have sent this storm upon him for your own good reasons.”

Tyndale House Publishers: Holy Bible : New Living Translation. 2nd ed. Wheaton, Ill. : Tyndale House Publishers, 2004, S. Jon 1:4-14

I find it interesting that even after Jonah admitted that the best thing for them to do was "throw him into the sea." But they just tried to power through by their own effort.

How many of us when the seas start to blow just try to power through on our own effort?

I realize there are some stormy seas currently blowing in the Twin Oaks Church marriage horizon. Are you anchored? Or are you paddling for your life?

Remember; The anchor holds!

The Lights are On But...

The first time I sat down at the control console of the 10,000 watt, AM radio station, KNCR; my stomach was all tied up in knots. My hand was on the volume knob of the microphone waiting for the song to begin fading which was my cue to begin talking… The music started getting softer in the headphones and my heart began beating like Japanese Taiko drums. Many times before I had put my hand on the volume knob of my radio receiver to hear but for the first time I was turning up the volume to be heard. “You’re listening to KNCR, the north coast’s Christian radio station.”

As I began speaking a strange sensation came over me that almost caused me to say something you should never say on the air… “Is anybody out there listening to me?” Because as I was talking about the weather and next song being played, all I could see was an empty room through a plate glass window with the lights out and nobody inside.

Years later I came to realize that many times when talking to certain people the lights were off and no one was inside. Or when preaching; there were a lot of radios out there but their receivers were turned off or simply tuned to another channel.

The art of communication is like most art in our culture today. The really good art was done years ago by people who are now dead and gone. The stuff being produced today is plentiful but it’s cheap. Therefore, we tend to minimize its purpose and value while rarely looking at it as important and valuable. And why not? We consider ourselves experts of communication… “I’ve got a cell phone… I can email… I can Instant Message… I can Text.” But information is not communication.

So what is it?

Well, sometimes communication is what we know we don’t have and don’t know how to get. Sometimes communication is hearing only what you want to hear and blaming the other person for what you didn’t hear. And most of the time communication is conveying the information you feel is important while discounting the information others feel is important. In other words: We communicate what we like and wish others would like what we communicate.

“I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

You see why communication is an art? Communication… real communication is complicated. Let me try to make this clearer. When communicating a thought or concept there are actually six messages that can come through.
1. What you mean to say.
2. What you actually say.
3. What the other person hears.
4. What the other person thinks he hears.
5. What the other person says about what you said.
6. What you think the other person said about what you said.

It’s no wonder there’s a whole lotta miscommunicatin’ going on. So, what do you do?

First… we listen.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19

If there is one serious weakness in me, it is the tendency to react. No, over-react! (just ask my children) Many times in my life I could have avoided very difficult relational issues had I just listened and received the whole story. We must listen.

I tell couples when they begin premarital counseling, "As we discuss issues here I would like you to ask your fiancé to confirm what you’re saying. It should sound like this… 'So, what I’m hearing you say is…' and fill in the rest with what you have come to understand from you just heard. If it’s correct the other person agrees and the conversation can continue. If what was understood is incorrect or needs clarification then it can be addressed at that time and again, 'Okay, so what I now understand you to say is…' and we go around the mulberry bush again and again until you get the all clear. Get the idea?"

Second, we cleanse.

Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls. James 1:20,21

When I do an Ironman race I use lots of sunscreen. It keeps the sun from turning me into a bright red, over-cooked human. But when the race is over I can’t wait to get that sticky, sandy, gooey residue off my skin. And like sunscreen, darkness keeps the effects of the Son from changing us. Are you covered in darkness? If so, the Word of God can change you. All you have to do is remove the darkness so the Word can get through…

Finally, we act.

But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. James 1:22-25

I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have asked my children to do something and found myself doing it. Why? Because it wasn’t getting done. I’ll ask, “Did you not hear me?” and they’ll reply with, “Oh, yeah… I heard you but thought I could do it later or that it wasn’t important or…” and they’ll have their reasons.

I shouldn’t get too upset with them (all though I have), so many times I heard what I needed to do but didn’t do it. Things I’ve been asked to do by my wife or children or coworkers. When I hear, “Didn’t you get my email?” and I did but have not acted on their request, I have to admit; the communication wasn’t very good and it is my fault.

In your marriages and families, how can you improve your communication?

First, you need to understand your differences and know your biggest concern or fear.

Q: How do you tackle problems? Aggressively or Passively?

Q: How do you influence each other? With Facts or Feelings?

Q: How do you react to change? With Resistance or Acceptance?

Q: How do you make decisions? Cautiously or Spontaneously?

If your main “fear factor” is the loss of…          

Time- you’ll tend to tackle problems more aggressively rather than passively.

Approval – you’ll tend to influence with feelings rather than facts.

Loyalty – you’ll tend to be more resistant to change than accepting.

Quality – you’ll tend to make decisions more cautiously rather than spontaneously.

Discuss why you think these things matter and what they look like in your home and even at your workplace and then discuss how these factors affect your communication.

One final thought…

Is anybody out there listening? These discussion blog posts are designed to get more talking and application on weekend subject matter. I have only seen comments from a few of you. I see there are a lot of folks visiting and reading the posts but few commenting. Simply, sign in to make a comment and tell us your thoughts. It’ll be nice to know there someone else out there beyond the keyboard.