DoxA

I Could Feel You But I'd Rather Do You

My wife thinks this series should go on and on and on. She likes it when I talk about marriage. It makes me think… but more importantly, it makes me do. I believe God will not honor what I say unless I practice what I preach. Now, having said that, please know my wife can trump anything I say at any time because she has the right (and believe me she will exercise it!) because she knows me and the things I am saying and writing about on a personal level.

Intimacy is a function not a feeling, “She fondly said.”

When I show how much I love my wife; I am doing something. I can tell her I love her that I am close to her and there is nothing I would rather do than be hers but until I prove it with my actions… those things… don’t mean a thing.

For the last several weeks I have been doing work around the house: Replaced the shower in the master bedroom, switched out vanity fixtures and door hardware and repaired outdoor landscaping; not to mention, painted the entire exterior of the house. During this Extreme Makeover, you would have thought I was Ty Pennington (the sober one) and Joy couldn’t keep her hands off of this, “burnin’ burning hunk of love” (her words, or Elvis’, not mine).

Guys, did you know that your wives are waiting on you? That’s what they do. They waited on you to propose and ever since then they wait on you to take them places they would never go on their own. That’s because (generally speaking) God wired you to be an “initiator” and women to be “responders.” That’s why when you do something or not do something there is this look in your partner’s eyes that caused you to say, “What?”

They’re waiting.

Intimacy is a function… something that works. Why then are we trying to feel intimate when we should be or do intimate? Feelings are a beginning it’s the start of what will eventually become a full functioning relationship: A partnership that will accomplish more than the individuals could separately.

Think about it this way, would you rather have someone you care about just feel something for you or do something for you? Of course, put that way it’s a no brainer! Then why do we sacrifice the commitment of relationship and fidelity because ‘we no longer have “feelings” for the other person?’

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything. 1 John 3:18-20

Yes, God knows everything, unfortunately so does my wife. She knows when I’m good, when I’m bad, when I’m right and when I’m wrong. My wife knows me… and I know her.This is intimacy.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott have written a book called The Love List. In it they detail how to keep intimacy functioning and not reliant upon feelings. The list is simple and can be used as a check list, of sorts, to stay on track with your mate.

The Love List…

Once a day:

Take time to touch… (if only for a minute)

In our crazy world we are bombarded with attractions. Like tractor beams drawing us in our work, activities and responsibilities cause us to lose focus on the essence of what God desires in us: Relationship. It’s impossible to maintain a relationship without contact. So, stay in touch.

Once a day…

Find something that makes you both laugh.

Studies have been done proving the benefit of laughter. It really works in marriage. So, don’t take yourself too seriously, study your spouse’s funny bone, laugh even when you don’t feel like laughing and find the funny in the things around you. Henry Ward Beecher says, “A marriage without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, if feels every jolt and pebble along the way.”

Once a week…

Do something active that lifts your spirits.

There are plenty of things to occupy your time during the week. How often do you do something that is engaging and interesting with your spouse? Remember you started there at one time. After a while though things got too common and ruts were developed so… Do something crazy, broaden your interests and share that interest with you mate and then get ready for change or at least a trip off road.

Once a week…

Boost your partner’s self-esteem.

Think how you would feel if your spouse told you or others about all the nice things they appreciate about you? How would you feel if they did that for all the things you wish they would notice you do for them but goes unnoticed? Yep, there are a list of things we do for our partners that they rarely notice. Often in ministry I am amazed at what people will do just to hear the words, “Thank you.” Get to know your partner… not just the things they do but the person they are. Let them know. See your spouse in a whole new way and tell them. Don’t flatter them, just appreciate them.

Once a month…

Rid yourself of harmful residue.

Gunk! It builds up over time. But faithful and scheduled maintenance keeps the gunk from building up. Guys we often take better care of our cars to keep them running perfectly. Why wouldn’t we want to keep our wives running flawlessly? Wives, if you’re like my wife, she likes to get facials to get rid of the gunk under her skin… ladies, don’t pick at your husbands but exfoliate the dead stuff and get clear.

Once a month…

Fire up passion in the bedroom.

Here’s an old phrase worth repeating… “If you want some things to change you have to change some things.” First let’s get back to the concept of touch. Be respectful and be student of your mate. There are so many books out there espousing the virtues of better love making. Instead of reading a book maybe… just maybe ask your partner what works! Talk about what you can do and how you can do it and plan for it and plan for spontaneity.

Once a year…

Review your top-ten highlights.

Any successful company has performance reviews and goal assessments. Why wouldn’t we want to do this for our home? Intimacy is a function. Functions are the act of purpose. Does your marriage have a purpose? Look at where you are and evaluate and set goals going forward. Which leads to our last point on the list…

Once a year…

Chart your course for the coming year.

Where do you want to go? What would you like to accomplish? Take small steps and get there. You have to make it real and you have to make it doable. Work together and you’ll be surprised how many things on the daily, weekly and monthly list will work out.

The list is yours to do. The marriage is yours to maintain. Intimacy with your spouse begins with God and is restored in Christ.

Yes, Adam’s one sin brings condemnation for everyone, but Christ’s one act of righteousness brings a right relationship with God and new life for everyone. Because one person disobeyed God, many became sinners. But because one other person obeyed God, many will be made righteous. Romans 5:18,19

As Jesus restored the intimacy we have with God, what can you do to restore the intimacy with one another?

Here are the questions?

• What kind of touch do you like best?
• How has a touch calmed you, helped you or encouraged you?
• Who tells the best jokes in your relationship?
• Who is the most naturally funny?
• When was the last time you just saw something funny that no one else thought was funny… why? Why not? Why would this matter?
• What did you do when you were dating that was fun to do together?
• What do you do separately for fun that keeps you too busy to do something with your spouse?
• Are you open to new ideas? What are some ideas?
• What practical things can you do to build your partner’s self-esteem?
• Define for one another what self-esteem is for you. And what it will feel like to be edified.
• What do you need to do to clear the air in your marriage?
• Are you saying, “There’s nothing I need to do here?” Liar!
• When can you do this with your partner?
• What things are keeping you from being passionate in the bedroom? That’s all I need to ask for this one.
• Can you name just two highlights from this year?
• Would you agree on these highlights? How much work is it to think of just two?
• Discuss the benefits of planning in your marriage.

Since I’ve been writing this post, my wife has interrupted me more than a dozen times, asked for my help a couple of times and physically took my hands off the computer once.

It’s time for me to be done and go be intimate.

The Stakes Are Deep

I want to have the best marriage possible. I also, wish to have everything go the way I want it to go. Often my wife thinks she wants to have things her way. I think my way is best... she thinks her way is better. Sometimes, I hate my wife for having such an opinion. I have a great wife; most people think so too... I don't care. I want, what I want!

Why am I so incredibly stubborn?

When we say, "The stakes are too high," we're generally admitting the risk is too severe with whatever we're facing to proceed. If we say our, "Heals are dug in," we are referring to staying firm on a previously agreed upon decision. In either case, there is inaction and you go no further. There are times when we should go no further and there are times we need to dig our heals in, however, for what reasons or purposes ought to be clearly determined.

Have you noticed children can be just as stubborn? They want what they want and often, we let them have what they want. (one last question... for now) Why do we let our children get the things they want when they shouldn't and not let our spouse get the things they want when they should?

Having a great marriage requires a healthy understanding and an honest evaluation of six key areas of our lives. These areas are broad and encompass many specific actions but for the sake of review let me spell them out one more time.

First, a great marriage takes Commitment. A heals dug in, because the stakes are too high commitment to each other and the vows given to go the distance.

Second, a great marriage requires Conflict. Not a heals dug in, I will go to war with you kind, but one that strengthens and makes the core of your marriage stronger. Similar to muscles needing opposing force to grow stronger rather than weaker from inactivity.

Next, a great marriage has honest Confession. Truth may present you many opportunities where the stakes get high really fast. But what are the alternatives? Getting found out and spiraling downward into the abyss of more lying is the fast track for marital destruction. On the other hand, confession is your best hope for genuine healing.

Similarly, a great marriage needs Contact. Strangely enough, this is where I see many people dig their heals in. When someone doesn't get their way, to punish the other, the first thing they take away is the contact. Whether it be physical or emotional doesn't matter; it has the same effect. When we hurt we want the other to hurt as well. No wonder Jesus often healed people with a touch. Contact has great power.

A great marriage manifests great Care. This is a, "Here, let me help you dig your heals in because you matter to me," kind of interest we take in the other person. It's so easy to think only of ourselves. But putting the needs of our spouse above our own is key to making the other want to do the same. It's magnetic; the more you go negative, the more you push away from each other. The more you go positive, the more you attract one another.

Finally, a great marriage shows Consistency. Not the kind where heals were dug in so deep that when the marriage became a "drag" the results were the ruts left behind, type of consistency but a creative, finding new methods to keep the things that matter fresh and the things that didn't become history.

Jim Collins' book Good to Great, points out that any thriving, successful organization has the right people on the right bus in the right seats. That's why great marriages have Jesus in the driver seat, mom and dad knowing where they're going and the kids coming along for the ride.

Caution: Don't let your children drive the bus!!!

I said, ‘Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you.’ Hosea 10:12

When I plant anything in my garden I like to plant in the soil that is soft and worked over. However, having grown up on a farm I know that after a while the same soil used over and over again for the same crop becomes depleted of the necessary nutrients to allow healthy growth. That's why when we planted potatoes after a couple of years we would plant in fields that have never been plowed: Fallow ground. It's hard and tedious. Certainly more difficult than those already soft fields.

When I go camping and I set up my tent... The tent stays up during the wind when the stakes are deep in hard ground and quickly crumples when driven in sand.

The point is simple: it's harder to dig your heals in hard ground and the stakes go deep to minimize your risk of failure.

When it comes to your home, where are you getting dug in, making ruts and placing the stakes?

Take this quiz from Ed Young's book The Creative Marriage and see how you are practically balancing the priorities of marriage and family.

Key. 1 being: Never - 2 being: Sometimes - 3 being: Always

1. Do you go on a date with your spouse at least twice a month? ___

2. Do you eat dinner as a family around the dinner table at least three times per week? ___

3. Do your children sleep in their own beds (not your own?) ___ (N/A if no kids at home)

4. Do you and your spouse have, touch, look and conversation on a daily basis? ___

5. Is the quality of that "TLC" satisfying? ___

6. Do you get away for a weekend alone as a couple (w/o kids) at least twice a year? ___

7. Do you have sexual intimacy with your spouse at least two times a week? ___

8. Do you and your spouse present a unified front when your children question your authority? ___

9. Do you have a set bedtime for your kids/teens that is consistently enforced? ___

10. Do you regularly evaluate your calendar to prevent over scheduling extracurricular activities? ___

11. Is Weekly church attendance appropriate for you and your children? ___

Total Score: _____

If you are 11-19 your marriage is way out of balance. Although you may have good intentions there are specific needs in your marriage that need addressing. What can you do? And who can you be accountable to?

If your score was 20-26 you are somewhat out of balance and like a good car that needs a tune up, just to keep it running at its very best, you can benefit from some adjustments. What are the little things that need tweaking? Not just the answers that need higher scores but what can you do at the core to strengthen your marriage and home?

If you scored 27-33 please comment on this post how you do it. I'm constantly in need of tweaking!

Fine'

(sorry to all you small group leaders waiting patiently -- Mother's Day through me a curve and now I'm back on track... oh yeah, I just blamed Mother's Day... I have no shame.)

As a child being raised in a small, country town we were always looking for ways to entertain ourselves. The adults had there way… we had ours. Most of the entertainment came in the form of outdoor fun: Exploring, climbing trees, making hay forts, playing baseball. But my small town was along the northern California coastline and we had more than our fair share of rain. Although we still did a lot outside. Much to the chagrin of our mothers, we trampled in loads of mud and wet clothing. However, there were those extreme winter days where it wasn’t unusual for us to spend a good amount of time in front of the television. Let me put this in perspective; in my day we only had two channels and the programming was fairly predictable. So, like most all-American families we resorted to natural forms of entertainment. Things like dominoes, crazy eights, painting by numbers and of course working on puzzles.

 

For years I thought the purpose of the dining room table was to be a foundation for puzzles. My grandpa (my grandmother’s third husband; both prior husbands had passed away from cancer) was a puzzle fanatic. Sometimes puzzles would take days others would take weeks depending on how many were working on it and difficultly of the puzzle. Of course, it was always important to keep the box lid handy because that is what you looked at to complete the puzzle. The box lid was the picture of the puzzle and with it you could determine how to go about finding the pieces to go from chaos to complete!

Which leads me to the one thing I remember most about those countless puzzles: How much time they were actually incomplete.

 

From the beginning to the end 99.9 percent of the time the puzzle was incomplete. Once the last piece went into place my grandpa would immediately dismantle it and start another one. This always “puzzled” me. After all that effort, I thought, wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy the success of such labor?

Another thing about puzzles; if left to myself I would cheat. Many times I would try to force the wrong piece in the spot I needed. The problem with this is you can’t cheat with puzzles. There is only one piece, the right piece, which is shaped and completes the image needed for the whole. I suppose you could find a piece that has the right shape and take out your crayons and color over the print to fake it, but still, it wouldn’t look right.

And one final thought about puzzles; it’s not the real deal. It’s a picture, an image of something else, some other reality. Many of the puzzles my grandfather would put together were scenes of the countryside or buildings. I could look but not experience these views. It’s one thing to put together a puzzle of the Grand Canyon. It’s completely something different to stand on the rim of this massive hole and take in the vast color and stretch of its real estate.

But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:15,16

I think the one of the hardest things in life is to understand holiness. Why? Because we are NOT holy. Only God is holy: In other words; perfect, pure, just and true. We however are called to be like Him. That process, becoming like Him, is called “sanctification.” Or what I like to call the “the road to holiness.” When we start out on this journey we are as far away as possible to being godly but each day brings us closer… closer to finishing, closer to completing the image of God. My problem, I tend to cheat and I have a propensity to look at the incomplete image and think it’s all done, that it’s good enough and THAT’S when my wife steps in and says, “You’re not done” and of course no one knows better than her when I’m not good enough.

 

My wife Joy helps complete the image of God in me. That’s because without her I am missing a few pieces. Without her I only represent a certain aspect of God but with her I am complete. This is why God gave Adam his Eve; to complete him.

So, here’s the questions…

• First, ask yourself, “Am I complete?” If so or if no ask, “Why or why not?”

• Next, what attributes or aspects of God do you represent? Are you good, pure, true, just, right (as in living rightly), merciful, forgiving, protector, provider, friend, rescuer, creator, longsuffering, loving, peacemaker… and the list goes on.

• When you look at your spouse or best friend, what do you see? A godlike image? What does that look like?

• When was the last time you talked to that person about how they look (and I’m not talking about cloths, hair and makeup here)?

• Can you list at least five ways to encourage a person to see themselves as a “god-work” in progress?

• Take thirty seconds and list all the people in your life you can think of who look at you daily. What do you think they see? Are there a lot of pieces missing? Is the image, replica, what they should see?

• Can you in all honesty tell your wife or husband that, “You complete the image of God in me? If not, how come? If not, what does that person need to do?

When we would sit at my grandma’s dining room table and put together these puzzles, occasionally grandpa would without warning take his large hands and wipe out the puzzle and shove the pieces back into the box. Stunned I would just look at him and query the obvious, “Why?” His response was simple. “It just wasn’t lookin’ right.” And he’d proceed to open another box and start again.

 

Perhaps you’re looking at the image and the missing pieces of your life and thinking that it’s just not looking right. Maybe you got a hold of the wrong box lid, or you started to force the wrong pieces in places they didn’t belong… Better yet, ask someone what they think. They’ll tell you what they see. Bottom line: If it’s not what it should be… you can start over. Just remember to get the one that looks like God.

   Oh, and one last thought… This puzzle, the one that looks like God, you never finish.

Running on Empty

There’s an old Jackson Brown song called “Running on Empty.” This song came to mind as I was preparing for the message entitled Impact! In it there is a verse that says…

Everyone I know, everywhere I go
People need some reason to believe
I don’t know about anyone but me
If it takes all night, that’ll be all right
If I can get you to smile before I leave

We want to make a difference in the lives of those we meet. However, like the song says, we may want to make a difference in someone’s life even when there is little direction in our own.

“Running on empty… running blind… running into the sun, but I’m running behind.”

If you look at this phrase figuratively there is plenty of room for interpretation… if you take it literally, you have to ask yourself, “What am I empty of?”

Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.” John 6:35

Physical hunger is an interesting aspect of life. We eat to satisfy our hunger, only to grow hungry again down the road. We know that in order to continue living, we must quench our hunger day in and day out.

Spiritual hunger, a hunger that runs deeper than we can ever know, is much different. But it is still a hunger that begs to be satisfied. In order to quench our spiritual hunger we must digest, we must believe, the bread of life offered to us by Jesus Christ. But belief isn’t just some intellectual appreciation giving mental ascent to some distant doctrine. It’s not simply memorizing historical facts or flippantly acknowledging God or even outwardly recognizing Jesus as God’s only Son.

To believe on the bread of life, to believe on Jesus Christ, means to come to him and to fully yield to him. Believing on Jesus means receiving him within, just as you receive food and drink. Quenching your spiritual hunger for eternal life is a one time thing. Once you receive Christ within, you will live forever.

Don’t fall into the trap of believing that you can earn God’s favor. The work of trusting Jesus Christ is not by works. It is by faith. Grow to trust in Christ and you will discover the only relationship that will truly satisfy those pangs of hunger.

So, in light of this “need to feed” or our desire to be “led to be fed” are you running on empty?

There are two things to consider: The good and the bad.

First, the good… Running on empty is good. A car filled with gas all the time never goes anywhere. We need fuel to get someplace - To do things - To function on all four cylinders, if you will. So, if you find yourself running low… don’t fret; it’s just time to get filled.

Now the bad. Growing up on a farm there were plenty of engines need to operate various machines for as many chores. Some of them were diesel and I was emphatically warned. Never let a diesel engine run out of fuel. Because if you do… the engine could break and never work again. And just that, some of us are running on empty where we stand the chance of breaking down and never working again…

The work of God is what? Belief (John 6:29) Therefore, fill your tank with the Bread of Life and get back to work.

Here are some questions for your consideration…

• How are you feeling these days? Full or Empty?
• What generally “fills your tank?”
• Is what you’re relying on enough?
• What would you give to have your tank constantly filled and to operate at full capacity?
• What things have you done in the past thinking that is what keeps you spiritually full?
• Did it?
• What’s the difference between Impressing people and Impacting people?
• When was the last time someone made an impact on you?
• When was the last time you made an impact on someone?
• What practical things can a person do to keep from running on empty?
• What one thing are you going to do this week to impact someone up close?
• Are you willing to share that with others?

There is a world filled with hungry people. And hungry people have a difficult time feeding hungry people. If we want to make a difference in other people we first need to make a difference in ourselves. This week as we really look at the kind of difference we’re making in other people’s lives, I pray there will be people who will be looking at us “make” or work that difference. And they may not be the same people. Think about that… When you attempt to impact someone’s life, the greatest impact may occur in an innocent bystander or, better yet, the greatest impact may occur in you.